Werrej
Affable and modest women who strive to please everyone seem to attract toxic and abusive partners to them. Why is this happening? Because they try too hard to be good, says psychotherapist Beverly Angel. And explains where this desire comes from.
Għaliex nisimgħu daqshekk spiss dwar każijiet ta’ vjolenza fuq in-nisa? Prinċipalment għax is-soċjetà għadha tagħlaq għajnejha għall-moħqrija tal-irġiel u kultant tħalliha bla kastig. Iż-żminijiet meta l-irġiel kienu jqisu lin-nisa u l-bniet tagħhom bħala l-proprjetà tagħhom u setgħu jagħmlu magħhom kif għoġobhom ilu għadda, imma għad irridu niffaċċjaw sitwazzjonijiet simili u nfittxu kastig ġust għall-kriminali.
According to data published by WHO, almost one in three women (30%) in the world experience physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner or sexual violence by another person during their lifetime.
Globalment, 37% tan-nisa fir-relazzjonijiet jirrappurtaw li esperjenzaw xi forma ta’ vjolenza fiżika jew sesswali minn sieħeb matul ħajjithom.
Sa 38% tal-qtil tan-nisa fid-dinja jitwettaq mill-imsieħba intimi maskili tagħhom*.
Cruelty often gets away with men. Obviously not enough is still being done to change this. But there is another reason why women are victims of violence — they try too hard to be good. This makes them an easy target for insults, moral abuse, beatings and sexual abuse. Such women do not know how to stand up for themselves and break off unhealthy or dangerous relationships.
Being a “good girl” increases the likelihood of abuse, but it does not follow that a woman provokes a man to do disgusting things. This in no way means that she is to blame. It only means that a woman who is too correct and obedient gives a specific signal to men who are prone to manipulation and violence.
It goes something like this: «My need to be good (sweet, accommodating) is much stronger than my instinct for self-preservation»
The bitter truth is that women are not supposed to be good girls. This is dangerous. Yes, we have an obligation to hold men who abuse power accountable and punish them, but in the meantime, women continue to suffer.
Unfortunately, there are many people in the world (both men and women) who will not fail to play on someone’s weakness. From their point of view, kindness and generosity are shortcomings. Of course, not everyone comes across a partner who will mock her psychologically, insult or beat her, but every such woman is at risk.
Who are the «good girls»?
Mara bħal din jimpurtaha aktar minn kif oħrajn jittrattawha milli kif tittratta lilha nfisha. Hi jimpurtaha aktar mis-sentimenti ta’ ħaddieħor milli minn tagħha. Hija tfittex li taqla 'favur universali u ma tqisx ix-xewqat tagħha.
The dictionary gives many synonyms for the word «good»: caring, pleasant, sensitive, accommodating, kind, sweet, sympathetic, amiable, charming. They describe exactly what a «good girl» is. Many of them go out of their way to be perceived that way. But in fact, completely different epithets correspond to this image. Such women:
Ubbidjenti. Jagħmlu dak li qalulhom. Tgħallmu: tagħmel kif jingħad aktar faċli milli toġġezzjona;
Passiv. Huma jibżgħu jqumu għalihom infushom, għalhekk huma faċli biex jimmanipulaw u jimbuttaw madwarhom. Jippreferu jibqgħu modestament siekta għax jibżgħu li jweġġgħu s-sentimenti ta’ xi ħadd jew għax jibżgħu li jweġġgħu lilhom infushom;
Weak-willed. Tant jibżgħu mill-konfront li llum jgħidu ħaġa, u għada oħra. Fi sforz biex jogħġob lil kulħadd, jaqblu ma 'persuna waħda, iduru 180 grad u immedjatament jaqblu mal-avversarju tiegħu;
Are hypocritical. Jibżgħu jammettu dak li jħossu, allura jippretendu. Jippretendu li jħobbu lil xi ħadd li fil-fatt huwa spjaċevoli. Jippretendu li jridu jmorru x’imkien meta verament ma jridux.
Blaming them for this behavior is just as unacceptable as blaming victims of violence for instigating the attack themselves. They behave this way for good reasons, including cultural environment, parental attitudes, and childhood experiences. In addition, the «good girl» syndrome has four main sources.
1. Predispożizzjoni bijoloġika
In-nisa b'mod ġenerali huma aktar paċenzjużi, kompassjoni u jippreferu paċi ħażina milli battibekk tajba. Il-professur tal-Università ta’ Harvard Carol Gilligan waslet għall-konklużjoni li l-fenomenu li kulħadd kien isejjaħ is-sottomissjoni tan-nisa, ħafna drabi jirriżulta li jkun ħtieġa li tinstab soluzzjoni li tkun taqbel lil kulħadd: “Dan huwa att ta’ kura, mhux aggressjoni mrażżna.”
A University of California study found that women have a wider behavioral repertoire, unlike men, who are limited to two choices: «fight» or «flight.» The stress response is accompanied by the release of oxytocin, which keeps a woman from rash acts and makes her think about children, as well as seek support from other women.
2. L-isterjotipi soċjali ffurmati taħt l-influwenza tal-ambjent
Girls are supposed to be polite, decent, well-behaved and accommodating. That is, they are by default made «of all kinds of sweets, cakes and sweets.» Unfortunately, in many families and cultures, a woman is still required to please everyone, to be selfless, affectionate, modest, and generally to live for the sake of others.
Barra minn hekk, tifla adoloxxenti tiġi mgħallma li biex tikseb dan l-ideal, trid tieqaf tkun lilek innifsek. Dalwaqt hi tassew tagħlaq u taħbi s-sentimenti tagħha. Għandha missjoni: li tipprova togħġob lill-oħrajn, speċjalment membri tas-sess oppost.
3. Family settings
Il-qraba jwasslulna l-fehmiet tagħhom dwar il-ħajja. Fil-fatt, nikkopjaw kollox: mill-mudell tar-relazzjoni sal-fehim tar-rwol tan-nisa fil-familja. Dan it-twemmin jiffurmaw il-ħsieb, l-imġieba u l-ħarsa tad-dinja tagħna.
Hemm diversi sitwazzjonijiet tipiċi tal-familja, li taħt l-influwenza tagħhom tikber "tifla tajba":
missier krudili u despotiku jew ħu l-kbir,
omm bla sinsla,
trobbija fit-tradizzjoni tal-misoġinija,
ġenituri li jinsistu li għandha tkun trażżan, simpatika u affettiva.
Pereżempju, ir-regola falza li l-interessi ta’ nies oħrajn għandhom jitpoġġew fuq l-interessi personali ġeneralment titgħallem id-dar. Hija ffurmata fuq l-eżempju ta’ omm bla sinsla jew dipendenti li tissagrifika ruħha għall-ġid tal-familja jew ta’ żewġha u qatt ma tqis il-bżonnijiet tagħha stess. Meta tħares lejha, it-tfajla malajr titgħallem li mara, mara u omm deċenti għandhom jinsew lilha nfisha u jgħixu f’isem il-ġid ta’ ħaddieħor.
Dan jiġri b'mod ieħor: mara tirċievi l-istess attitudni minn ġenituri egoistiċi jew narċisisti li jgħixu għall-pjaċir tagħhom stess, u jinjoraw il-bżonnijiet tat-tifel. Tfajla li tikber f'kundizzjonijiet bħal dawn tibda taħseb li l-benesseri tagħha jiddependi fuq jekk hijiex kapaċi tissodisfa l-kapriċċi ta 'nies oħrajn.
4. Personal experience based on early experiences
It is not uncommon for these girls to experience emotional, physical or sexual abuse during their childhood or adolescence. Parental abuse and neglect creates a distorted worldview and unhealthy tendencies that force a woman to be a «good girl». Ultimately, those who develop this syndrome:
iwaħħlu lilhom infushom għal dak kollu li jmur ħażin
jiddubitaw infushom, l-għarfien, is-sentimenti u l-impressjonijiet tagħhom,
temmen bl-addoċċ fi kliem ħaddieħor, anki jekk xi ħadd ħallathom aktar minn darba,
tiġġustifika b’mod naiv il-motivi veri tal-azzjonijiet ta’ xi ħadd,
jemmnu li huma obbligati jissodisfaw ix-xewqat ta’ nies oħrajn, anke għad-detriment tagħhom infushom.
Iżda l-fattur ewlieni responsabbli għall-iżvilupp tas-sindromu ta '"tifla tajba" huwa l-biża'.
In-nisa minn xiex jibżgħu?
Hemm ħafna raġunijiet għall-biża ', iżda ħafna drabi huma minħabba l-fatt stess li n-nisa huma s-sess l-aktar dgħajjef, għall-inqas fiżikament. Ħafna mill-irġiel huma tabilħaqq aktar b'saħħithom, għalhekk mhux sorprendenti li jirnexxielhom jintimidaw lin-nisa. Forsi ma nirrealizzawx, imma l-biża’ hemm.
Another deterrent is the penis, the natural male weapon. Most men don’t think about it, and neither do most women. However, the erect penis is used for penetration, pain and power. Again, women do not realize that this archaic fear lives in them.
Two purely physiological factors influence women’s thinking and emotions on a subconscious level.
We «know» that our safety is in the hands of men. If we risk arguing with them, they will get angry and may punish us. Although most men do not take advantage of their physical superiority over women, the possibility of a threat always remains.
The second reason for deep female fears lies in the historically established dominance of men. Throughout human history, physical force has been used to subdue the recalcitrant and demonstrate power.
Men have always been stronger than most women and, with rare exceptions, have occupied a dominant position in society. Therefore, women have been attacked and threatened by men for centuries and, accordingly, were forced to fear them.
Sa ftit ilu, il-vjolenza domestika ma kinitx ikkunsidrata xi ħaġa barra mis-soltu. Fdalijiet tal-passat għadhom ippreservati f'xi pajjiżi, pereżempju, fl-Indja u parzjalment fl-Afrika, mara mhix meqjusa bħala persuna sħiħa: missierha, u mbagħad żewġha, jimmaniġġjawha.
Finally, the third reason for women’s and girlish fears is based on the fact that men continue to harm them by the right of the «owner»
Despite tremendous efforts to prevent domestic violence and child sexual abuse, these two crimes are still prevalent throughout the world. As before, husbands abuse their wives, and child sexual abuse is on the rise.
Tfajla jew mara li tesperjenza abbuż—fiżiku, emozzjonali, jew sesswali—tinħakem fil-mistħija u l-orrur. Ħafna minnhom huma mħassra bil-biża’ li jerġgħu jkunu fl-istess sitwazzjoni. Għalkemm jaġixxi wkoll fuq livell subkonxju, huwa verament l-eħfef mod biex trażżan tifla b'theddid li tweġġa'.
These fears are at the root of many, if not all, of the false beliefs that make up the «good girl» syndrome. So, many women are hesitant to end a painful relationship, even if they know they should. It’s not that they are weak, stupid or masochistic who enjoy suffering. They are afraid of everything that was said above. But if a woman manages to understand what scares her, the feeling of shame for her “bad” behavior gradually lets go.
If you are the kind of woman who is tired of being a «good girl», face your fears. This will help you understand yourself, forgive yourself, find hope and want to change.
*
Source: Beverly Angel’s book «Good Girl Syndrome: How to get rid of negative attitudes from childhood, accept and love yourself»