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Such relationships have a very precise definition: we feel physically bad in them. In the meantime, we often brush aside the alarming symptoms and become more and more confused. Psychotherapist Nancy Carbon lists signs that give away a toxic partner.
Relations with a partner began to deteriorate, and, even worse, you are looking for a reason in yourself? When they constantly make sarcastic remarks about you and do not consider your feelings, but at the same time they say that everything is because of you and that you are creating problems, it is not surprising to get confused. Toxic relationships take time to develop, and more often than not, we don’t even realize we’ve been caught.
It is not difficult to be deceived, because outwardly everything looks decent, especially at first. However, deep down we always feel that something is wrong. Unfortunately, we drown out the voice of reason too often so as not to face the harsh reality. If you notice these eight signs, don’t ignore them: you’re most likely being pulled into a toxic relationship.
1. Your success is envied
The partner behaves politely, but in fact, he barely restrains envy and anger? It is clearly unpleasant for him that you rejoice and rejoice? Perhaps they perceive you as a rival or compare their achievements with yours. Many people who are dissatisfied with themselves are annoyed by other people’s successes and good news.
Toxic people secretly suffer from an inferiority complex, but are betrayed by a forced smile, silence, or a dismissive phrase. So they try to reduce frustration in order to protect themselves from a blow to heightened self-esteem. Someone’s success makes them feel like failures, once again reminding them that they have not lived up to their own expectations.
It seems unfair to them when others succeed — this is an eternal competition or a race for the title of champion. You simply do not have the right to be better than them, otherwise you will be crushed by murderous envy.
2. You are criticized or devalued
If you are «lucky» to contact someone who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, be aware that such people take pleasure in belittling others. For example, they try to spoil the triumph or make depreciating comments in order to elevate themselves.
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They do not feel humiliated or flawed: they need to criticize others in order to restore their fragile self-esteem. They cherish their megalomania, convincing others that they have no equal. Since they believe in their own exclusivity, they do not hesitate to openly criticize others.
3. You are being blamed for your misdeeds.
Toxic individuals blame others for their mistakes and find ways to get away with it. They manage not only to get out, but also to appoint the guilty. They try to avoid humiliating condemnation and twist the truth to avoid responsibility. Therefore, they try to find a beam in the eye of someone who can be blamed for their failures.
They lost their jobs because the boss is picky. Their ex-husband was insane. They cheated because their partner always refused sex when they wanted it. They say that it is you who create problems, so solve them yourself. They always have someone else to blame, but they are impeccable.
4. Your point of view is not considered
People of this type live by the principle of two opinions: «mine and wrong.» You can nod as much as you like in agreement that they are always right, but this is not enough — they demand recognition of their unquestioned authority. Toxic partners and abusers always know everything best and revel in their superiority. Putting someone in a galosh is not just satisfaction for them: the painful feeling of their own worthlessness subsides.
5. You are being used for personal gain
Such worshipers pretend to be perfect in order to find someone who will pray for them. But rest assured, as soon as you have your own needs, you will immediately be pushed away or humiliated. It doesn’t cost them anything to destroy your good mood and say nasty things. You are only needed to give what they need: approval, money, sex, love, moral support, and so on.
Toxic people project their feelings of inferiority onto others and only notice the flaws.
They often disappear after a date and reappear when something is needed. You are interesting exactly as long as you can get something from you. For example, today it is necessary that someone admire them or help restore a shaken ego.
Tomorrow they build an impenetrable wall or “go underground” so as not to betray their imperfection. No wonder so many people don’t know who they really are. They value only themselves, think only of themselves and start relationships solely for their own benefit.
6. Before you is a man in a mask
One of the key signs of a toxic relationship is a sense of uncertainty, a kind of vacuum, since such people say almost nothing about themselves. They pretend that everything is fine with them, afraid of appearing vulnerable. Thus, narcissistic personalities often guess what they want to hear from them, and skillfully play the corresponding feelings in order to achieve their own goals. The truth is revealed when they become emotionally deaf to the needs of others.
7. Partner has no conscience or empathy
They are not able to empathize or repent of their behavior, because they consider themselves entitled to do as they please, without regard to others. If someone does not meet their requirements, they calmly justify treason or relationships on the side. They give the impression of being kind or pretending to be sympathetic in order to gain some benefit. Do not flatter yourself, you are needed only to satisfy their whims, your feelings are of no interest to anyone.
8. Everyone is bad
Toxic people transfer a sense of their own inferiority to others, suspect them of deceit and notice only shortcomings, thus protecting themselves from the realization of their unsightly essence. They are in the power of projections and therefore view the world as in a distorted mirror. It seems to them that everyone is similar to them, or rather, to the part that they diligently hide.
Around are traitors, parasites, egoists or scammers. You will be attacked and offended for something that is not at all characteristic of you — they just see it that way. If you recognize your partner in these descriptions, but do not want to break off the relationship, this is a good way to learn not to take criticism personally, but to figure out who you are dealing with.
Remember that toxicity is not an innate quality. It is likely that the partner got envious parents who constantly scolded and humiliated him, so he had to hide his true self. Perhaps he was forced to conform to their standards, to do what they demanded, in order to earn praise. And if parental expectations were not justified, he felt like a failure. Once he was told that it is unforgivable to make mistakes, and his world turned upside down forever.
If you recognize the warning signs, you can just walk away and build a healthy relationship.
Toxic people can’t just pull themselves together and admit they’re playing their part in a difficult relationship. When problems arise, they start to panic, so they pounce on a partner, showering him with reproaches and claims. He retreats discouraged and surrenders, although he understands that he was treated unfairly.
Be careful when insults fly in your direction. Most likely, you have nothing to do with it, but self-esteem can suffer greatly. If you can separate yourself from the abuser, then you will be able to protect yourself from destructive envy and mistreatment. If you understand that you have a traumatized person in front of you, then learn to free yourself from imposed guilt and a sense of duty for what you should not.
If you can’t express your feelings and ask bluntly why on earth you are being insulted, it may be time to think about why you allow yourself to be treated this way and try to love yourself again. And one more thing: if you recognize these warning signs, you can just walk away and build a healthy relationship with another person.
About the Author: Nancy Carbone is a psychotherapist who specializes in developing self-esteem and building healthy relationships in couples.