«Ah yes Pushkin, ah yes son of a bitch!» the great poet rejoiced to himself. We smile: yes, he really is a genius. And we have evidence that the genius did not skimp on his praise. What about us mere mortals? How often can we praise ourselves? And can not excessive praise harm us?
For most of us, at least sometimes there comes a state of inner harmony, when it seems that we can be proud of ourselves. At least once in a lifetime, but we experience this joy: a rare moment when our entire inner choir brings out a song of praise. The inner parent leaves the inner child alone for a moment, the voice of the heart sings along with the voice of reason, and the main critic subsides from this magnificence.
A magical, resourceful moment. The more often such inner harmony occurs, the happier a person is. We are ready to put aside the experience of failures, to negotiate with anyone, and in such a way that all participants in the negotiations would only benefit from them. This joy usually wants to share.
When I see such changes in a client, I experience a complex range of feelings: on the one hand, the state is good, productive, but at the same time there is a high risk of breaking firewood.
All our life we are in a shaky and complex process of finding harmony, then losing it.
Karina started therapy not so long ago, and with her, like with the majority, there was a “beginning effect”, when a person is pleased with himself, glad that he took this step, and he unbearably wants to feel the results of the work as soon as possible. However, from the point of view of the therapist, the beginning of therapy comes down to building contact, collecting information, the history of the subject. Often more techniques and homework are used at this stage.
All this fascinated Karina, the supportive environment led to the fact that for a moment complete harmony reigned in her inner world.
Depending on the maturity of the individual in such a state of harmony, one can make a personal breakthrough or go down the wrong path. Karina got the last one. She proudly talked about the fact that she had expressed all her grievances to dad and, in an ultimatum form, set the conditions for how their family would continue to live.
Listening to the details of her demarche, understanding how she offended dad, I thought about whether this situation could have gone differently, more harmoniously. I’m afraid I might. But I lacked vigilance when Karina left the office on the wings of strengthened self-esteem, growing into self-confidence.
It is clear that a harmonious self-esteem is far enough from the pole of the «trembling creature», but also from the pole of «permissiveness» too. Throughout our lives, we are in a shaky and complex process of finding this harmony, then losing it.
Helps us in this, including feedback from the world. In Karina’s case, it was the financial implications. Dad decided this: if the daughter who lives under his roof wants to dictate her own rules, and she does not like his rules, then how can she like his money? In the end, they are earned according to rules that do not suit her.
Sometimes we find ourselves at the mercy of filters: rose-colored glasses or filters of fear and worthlessness.
And this turned out to be a sharp push for 22-year-old Karina, growing up too fast. Everything could go differently, softer.
Having made many mistakes, today Karina lives her life, according to her own, greatly changed rules. In another country, with a husband, not with dad.
The complexity of Karina’s life forced her to interrupt therapy. We call each other just to exchange news. I ask her: does she regret that decisive step? Would you like to do otherwise?
Karina stops talking, her image freezes on my laptop screen. Thinking about communication problems, I want to press «reset», but the image suddenly comes to life, and Karina, after a long pause completely unusual for her, says that for the first time in a long time she remembered the consequences of that conversation with dad.
At first she was offended, but now she is ashamed in front of him. What hadn’t she told him! It’s good that dad turned out to be a seasoned man of the old school, an Eastern mentality, and did what was the only right thing in that situation. No, Karina does not regret what happened next, but she is so sorry for her dad …
Sometimes we find ourselves at the mercy of filters: rose-colored glasses, as in the case of Karina, when we feel like the smartest and most important in the world, or filters of fear and worthlessness. The latter lead to even more disastrous consequences for the individual: in self-confident movement there is movement itself, albeit in the wrong direction. There is no movement in self-abasement, all hopes are turned outward, on hypothetical favorable events of fate.
Whatever we feel, whatever happens, is all temporary. Temporary emotions, experiences. temporary beliefs. Temporary look. These substances change at different rates over the course of life. The concept of another dimension remains constant — our soul.
It is important to remember, acting on emotions or, as it seems, outside of emotions, whether what we are doing is good for the soul or not. And if you can’t figure it out yourself, that’s what psychologists are for.