Werrej
Yes, sooner or later it will happen to everyone: leaving work, a new life in retirement, a sea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbfree time and … the constant presence of a husband or wife at home, next to you. And this, as many suddenly find out for themselves, can be a serious test. Psychologist Katherine King explains what should be done to maintain a strong and warm relationship.
After years of work, you can finally relax and not rush anywhere in the morning. You probably feel relieved, uplifted, anxious, and a little sad. And you also understand that retirement means the prospect of spending much more time at home with your spouse. At first, this pleases, but week after week passes, and the picture of joint gatherings in the kitchen or in front of the TV ceases to be so rosy.
Retirement can really complicate a marriage, even a relatively strong one. For years you have been balanced, and now suddenly the balance is off. In my therapy practice, I have met quite a few couples who have gone through this difficult period. Here are the recommendations I most often give to my clients.
1 Ħu paċenzja
The last months before and the first after the end of a career can be compared to a real roller coaster in terms of intensity of emotions. Even if you have been waiting for this moment for a long time, this does not negate severe stress and the appearance of the most unexpected thoughts and feelings associated with it.
In fact, retirement is just as significant, a turning point in life as a wedding or the birth of a child. Joy in this case is always associated with anxiety and great internal stress. Therefore, show each other a little more sympathy than usual, especially if you both recently retired.
2. Notice changes in your thoughts, feelings and behavior
Have you caught yourself drinking more, shopping more often, and getting upset over trifles? What about your spouse? These may be signs that one or both of you found it too difficult to build a new life after retirement, or that your relationship is changing as a result of these events.
If you notice these changes, be sure to pay more attention to your usual healthy ways of coping with stress and / or try new ones: journaling, meditation techniques or religious practices, field trips or visiting a therapist who will help you through the crisis. Suggest the same to your partner if you notice that they are having similar problems.
Arrange for walks during which you will take turns talking about how you feel and how you are going through your retirement. It is important to divide the time equally so that one partner speaks for the first half of the walk, and the other on the way back. Do not interrupt each other so that everyone can speak and be heard. Give advice and comments only when the partner directly asks for it.
3. Don’t make big decisions
During emotional storms, it is very important to avoid sudden movements when making major life decisions. You may have violent quarrels, they will occur one after another for several months, and then there will be a temptation to come to terms with the fact that the marriage is not viable.
A sudden drop in income can also frighten a spouse and they may want to radically change their lifestyle and/or move to a place where the cost of living is lower.
Such sentiments can become a source of serious conflicts. Take your time and promise each other that you won’t make major decisions for a set period of time (ideally six months to a year). Over time, possible options can be discussed among themselves and with experts in a particular field.
4. Don’t expect your partner to entertain you.
Your spouse has his own activities and affairs, which he has been devoting time to every day for many years. Respect each other’s habits when you retire and both are at home. Take some time to get to know how your partner likes to spend their days and what you like to do yourself. If each of you has an idea of your own preferences, it will be easier for you to find ways to coordinate your schedules so that they suit everyone.
5. Rediscover yourself and your interests
Many people are so absorbed in their work for years that they forget how they like to spend their free time. You may have given up your favorite but labor-intensive or time-consuming hobbies (eg, baking, playing a musical instrument, gardening) for simpler activities that leave you with energy at the end of a long day of work (eg, watching TV).
Now that you no longer need to work, it’s time to think about how you really enjoy spending your leisure time. What makes you happy, what have you always wanted to do? Look for activities that will be productive and give you pleasure or a sense of meaning. Get ready to surprise yourself, rediscover yourself. This is a gift for both you and your partner, who may be inspired by your new activity — so much so that he even wants to take part in it.
6. Be curious and support each other
For a husband and wife who have lived together for a long time, it is easy to assume that they have studied each other thoroughly. Unfortunately, this leads to a loss of curiosity and openness, which ultimately suffocates both you and your marriage. It is boring and tiring to always predict your partner’s behavior and assume that he or she will never change. This attitude can even be counterproductive, as our changes often go unnoticed and underestimated.
Give each other more space to relax. Remember that you spent many hours of your life apart while working, and therefore there are probably many things in the life of a partner that you do not know about. Assume that your spouse continues to change, cultivate curiosity about what and how is happening to him or her. Look for ways to support and encourage each other to make your retirement years as happy as possible for both of you.
About the Author: Katherine King is a clinical psychologist and psychologist and Associate Professor of Psychology at William James College, teaching gerontology, developmental development, and ethics.