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How were you taught to deal with your feelings as a child?

Were your anxieties and doubts taken seriously? Was the richness of emotional experiences and their expression encouraged? Could your parents be an example of healthy expression of feelings?

In many families, emotions cause discomfort. Their expression may be outright taboo, or there may be unwritten rules in the family according to which it is not supposed to discuss one’s experiences. Some parents explain to their children that certain emotions, such as anger, are unacceptable, abnormal. A child in such a family learns that his experiences are inappropriate, and he himself has no right to feelings and needs.

If you recognized your family in this description, then most likely, as a child, you learned that you are not supposed to have, let alone express feelings. You should not ask anyone for anything, depend on anyone or rely on anyone. Most likely, you yourself had to look for ways to meet your needs, learn to manage emotions and feelings. This could lead to unhealthy attempts to «bury» their feelings deeper, distract from them or drown them out.

But your feelings couldn’t just disappear! Feelings “want” to be recognized and expressed. Because you deny their existence, they will not disappear. Attempts to distract from them will not work: emotions will continue to accumulate and seethe inside until you deal with them.

Feelings give us important information

Your feelings convey important signals that are designed to help you cope, make decisions, get to know yourself, and connect with others. For example, fear or anger can alert you to danger and help you take action to avoid it.

Emotional pain tells you that something is wrong and helps you decide what to do next. If you are not aware of it, you will not be able to ask for what you need — for kindness and respect from others.

Sharing feelings brings us closer to others

Often we are afraid to tell our partner about our experiences and needs, especially if we are not used to doing this. Perhaps you are afraid that a loved one will ignore your revelations, misunderstand them, or refuse to accept what they hear. Or maybe he or she will judge you or use what he or she has said against you …

But it is much more likely that the relationship with your partner will become closer and more trusting if you finally share your anxieties and desires with him or her. We all have a deep need for understanding and acceptance. When we show others our vulnerable sides — fears, complexes, memories that we are ashamed of — this helps to establish a particularly close emotional connection.

In addition, the more specific we formulate our desires, the greater the chance that they will be fulfilled. Most sincerely want to please their partner, but people can’t read minds, and it would be unfair to expect a loved one to always intuitively understand what you need.

If you have been hurt in a current or past relationship, the desire to isolate yourself, hide behind a “stone wall” is quite understandable. The wall will protect you from pain, but at the same time will not allow you to feel close to others. And they, in turn, will not be able to love you if you do not let them into your heart.

There is no easy and safe way to share your experiences. However, if you decide that you are ready for a deeper relationship, and recognize that this requires opening your inner world, then you can gradually learn to trust others.

In any healthy relationship, the process of sharing the most intimate experiences occurs mutually and gradually. To begin with, honestly admit that it is difficult and scary for you to talk about your feelings, desires and needs. It may turn out that your partner is afraid to show you his vulnerable side.